Monday, March 21, 2011

What Now?

I haven't felt like posting for a couple reasons. One, I have been really busy and through recent moves, have only just gotten back online. Two, and probably the main reason is that it hurts to look back. Even on amazing vacations and great times, even though it's been eight months, I still can't stop but think how Max is missing. . . how I am missing Max. Everyday I think of him, numerous times a day and every thought hurts. If I think of our last goodbyes it hurts, if I think about his sweet smile, it fills me with joy but it also hurts. How do I not hurt? Not think about him? How can I be a mother and not think of her child? I couldn't. Do I fill my life with constant entertainment or stuff to occupy my mind? I've been told to keep busy. I have kept busy, I have been out of my mind busy. And now, I am just really really tired. . . so tired that the glass that is always half full to me started to look half empty. I really don't like half empty glasses, they bother me. So, I have been thinking about it, searching for some peace and guess what I thought about? . . . You. Like I said I would, I opened my heart and pulled out all the messages, cards and letters that I had tucked away for when I would need them most. I took them out and read the words that you all took the time to write and send to me and my family. The cards, emails and post comments that I didn't want to open and read but touched me so deeply after I did. Words, that no doubt were inspired. Your words inspire me and give me strength to face one of my greatest fears with love and compassion. There is tragedy everywhere in the world. We can't change that, but we have God and each other to get through it.


I am so grateful for all of you.



Stay tuned for more living. . .

22 comments:

Kyle and Whitney said...

You are so amazing. You are handling Max's tragedy with such strength and compassion. I honestly don't know how you do it. You truly inspire me to be a better mom and to love my kids with all I have as you do for yours. We love you!

Meagan said...

Thanks for posting Leanne. I have been thinking an (extra) lot about you guys the last few days. We love you.

Meghann said...

Extra warm thoughts for you and your family! I can only imagine the conflict of hurt and joy. I hope and pray peace finds you in our Saviors comfort.

Casey said...

You are inspiring.

Freddy and Mandy said...

Sweet, sweet girl. I think the hurt you feel only vindicates the deepest love you feel for your sweet son. And that is a beautiful thing. You are very much loved!

Deb said...

I am so glad to see your post. Even though we don't know each other I check your blog everyday. You and your beautiful family inspire me... Max inspires me! I pray for you and yours daily.

Shay said...

I think about you, Ryan, Max and your girls daily. Literally there isn't a day I don't. Love you guys.

Megs said...

You are so inspiring to so many and I'm grateful you have received inspiring words in return. Prayers for your little family as you continue to live.

Nathan said...

Still thinking about and praying for you guys daily.
Love from Nathan, Megan, Gavin, Miles (and Tate).

Anonymous said...

So glad to have you back. You and your family have been missed but always in my heart.

Brooke said...

We are still thinking of you all the time. You are an amazing family that has left a wonderful impression on our own family. Thank you for you wonderful example. You are still always in our prayers. Love you.

Meiken said...

love you Leanne. we pray for you daily.

The Francis Family said...

Love your posts. Thinking of you all often. Heard about the possible dessert shop and the name. What a great idea.

Anonymous said...

so glad you're writing again. i think and pray for you often.

Christina said...

This is the very reason why all of Ryans friends from growing up wanted to give your family the "little blue box" to safely keep all of the cards, notes and thoughts your family would receive. We have one from Jons accident and I have opened our box from time to time. I love it!
It's been five years since Jons accident. I too sometimes view the glass half empty-and that's okay-it's normal and I allow it. I do however do what I can to change my view. The efforts you take to change your view is truly who you are. You both have that ability and will continue to cycle through this "view" over and over. It is alike to the Resurrection-after the darkness comes the dawn. Everyone is going through their own personal trials and cycles through their view. We are all grateful to have God and eachother to lean on during these times-we are all so blessed!
I have learned in the past 5 years that "suffering is suffering." Although trials may be different-the suffering is the same. We are grateful for the Atonement that brings us peace and for the dawn that continues to come after the darkness.

We think about your family often and continue to be one of your biggest cheerleaders!
Hugs

Brittany said...

Leanne...you continue to amaze me. Thank you for opening up your emotions for all of us to read. You, your family, and Max specifically, have taught me more than I can ever express. Truly amazing.

<3 Britt

HeAtHeR* said...

Just read this...you are so amazing...I think of you often...love, heather

CACHORRO said...

I'm so glad you loved Spain. They say "Si no has visto Granada no has visto Nada." which means if you aint seen granada you aint seen nothin. but it rymes in spanish see. I love the alhambra. sweet tiles eh. I wonder if you guys got to enjoy any paella. I kinda know how to make it you know. i'd love to make it for you guys sometime. Love your blog. it's quite inspirational... Thankyou. We love you, blackhams

Emily said...

Love you so much. I think of you everyday. We will see you soon. I'm not sure when, but it will be soon :)

Debra said...

Leanne thanks for updating your blog. Your words always add such encouragement to many. I lost my brother very suddenly this Jan/2011 and have good and bad days in my own mind and thoughts. He was only 31 and left behind his wife and three young children Emily 9 - Ben 5- Noah 1 year old. And no resources for her to fall back on. Your words and walk thru this are very inspiring to see the goodness that God still has for us!

Harris Beach Bums said...

Debra,

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. My heart and prayers will be with you and his family. If there is anything I can do please please let me know. leanne@harrispersonalinjury.com

with much Love,
Leanne

Heather Chojnowsk, North Ogden, Ut said...

You are amazing...I could and do sit for hours and I feel as though I know you and your beautiful family.