Friday, August 20, 2010

Saving the Short and Sweet for Later

I want to pause from our vacation for just a bit. I still have many places to write about but first I want to skip ahead to the end. The thought of coming home after 5 weeks of "living" with my precious family was filled with a mix of emotions. I could barely sleep the night before our inevitable departure. My warm blanket was too heavy, along with my thoughts. Moments of Max's life and death were flashing behind my eyelids, eliminating sleep. Thoughts crept into my mind. . . what am I doing here in Chile? Will I really not be able to hold my sweet Max until I pass on to the next life? Does my ever loving husband really not have a boy to share and experience this life with? What if I go home and I can't deal with it all? What if I lost another child, could it really happen again? Heavy, . . . this was all too heavy. Kicking the blanket off, I prayed that this heaviness would be lightened. Sleep enveloped me and I dreamt. I love roller coasters. Something about them makes me laugh out loud, a real belly laugh. In my dream I could feel I was rolling on tracks that I couldn't see. I looked around and saw that I, along with a bunch of other people, were corralled like cattle into a large cart. People were crying, screaming, grasping to hold on to the cart as the terrifying course hurled forward and back along cliffs and mountain ridges. I was so scared, holding on for my life, my grip so tight. I looked around at the people around me and I saw a child, a little girl. My heart ached for her. As I looked at her I saw she wasn't scared at all, but was lifting her arms in the air and laughing as the wind and the world swept across her. I felt the pull to do the same. I loosened my grip on one hand, then the other and I felt it. Life. Exciting and beautiful life, and I laughed. I woke with a renewed energy and trusting that God has a course for me. We can't control everything, so why not let go. Choose good, have faith, and let go. Let go and enjoy the amazing life that is waiting for us!
Stay tuned for more living

12 comments:

Harris Family said...

Amazing!! I think you should write a book! Your choice of words are amazing!!!

Megs said...

I agree with Shelly - amazing! Everything you've posted has been so inspiring - perhaps I use that word too often, but it's completely true, so why not?! The most beautiful part of the gospel is that you WILL be able to hold your sweet Max again and you still have 2 gorgeous little girls & a wonderful husband to spend this life with. Your choice to enjoy the life you have left has been an incredible journey for us all. Thanks for letting us be a part of it :)

Meghann said...

Thank you! This is such a powerful image of a principal I'm trying to apply in my own life and you've described it beautifully. There's so much joy to be experienced in trusting God!

Kimberly said...

You are an amazing woman, Leanne. Love you!

michele said...

Thank you for reminding me how wonderful life is and how important it is to be fully present in it. You have such an amazing, beautiful family, and even though I've been wishing you strength and comfort daily, YOU are the one who has given me strength and inspiration. Thank you for sharing -- you really SHOULD write a book!

Rachael said...

I needed to hear that- thank you for sharing!

Debra said...

God has a BIG PLAN for you - I clicked on your comment to say that I think you should write a book on how to grieve with spirit, faith and joy. And it looks like many people have the same thoughts. Your words are very enlightening and your faith and strength is AMAZING. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

Debra said...

God has a BIG PLAN for you - I clicked on your comment to say that I think you should write a book on how to grieve with spirit, faith and joy. And it looks like many people have the same thoughts. Your words are very enlightening and your faith and strength is AMAZING. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

Christina said...

i.love.this!

sometimes i find myself being sad about the things our family "wont" be able to do because of Jons accident. it's learning to find the ability to welcome my "new reality" and work with what i have! Someday's im awesome at it-somedays not so much-but each day is given for me to make a choice for which i am grateful for.

You are welcoming your "new reality" with such grace--and even though everyday wont be as "graceful" as you hope for--you are able to keep moving forward-and HF will bless you and everyone else for it!

You rock.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog. You are so inspiring. My brother died in a boating accident and seeing your faith throughout your family's loss is incredible. Thank you.

Kyle and Whitney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kyle and Whitney said...

Leanne! You are such an amazing person. I have always thought that, but seeing you handle everything that has happened to you with such grace, faith and hope has truly been inspiring. You are like my daily devotional. After I read your blog,I can't help but smile and feel happy. You have such an amazing talent to share experiences; you can word things so beautifully that I can not stop wanting to read more. Thanks so much for sharing all your deep feelings with us and allowing us to morn with you. We love you guys so much and can't wait to see you all and give you a big hug. We miss you! :)